


Podfic: Give Me A Beat

by HexMeridian (myrainbowshoelaces)



Series: The Exiles [2]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Audio Format: MP3, Gen, Podfic, Rap Battles, Side Story
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-16
Updated: 2016-06-16
Packaged: 2018-07-15 11:37:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 888
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7220776
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/myrainbowshoelaces/pseuds/HexMeridian
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Audio of an epic rap battle between Dave Strider and a pompous jerk. Takes place during Chapter 6 of Descend (So read <a href="http://archiveofourown.org/works/6977713/chapters/16309742">chapter 6</a> before you listen!).</p>
            </blockquote>





	Podfic: Give Me A Beat

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Descend](https://archiveofourown.org/works/6977713) by [HexMeridian (myrainbowshoelaces)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/myrainbowshoelaces/pseuds/HexMeridian). 



> I've gotten some really kind compliments on the rap battle in chapter 6, so here's an audio version of it to help y'all get even more into the moment as Dave saves lives with sick beats. Please enjoy!
> 
> All vocals and sound effects performed by me and recorded on Audacity. Ambient crowd samples come from this recording [here](http://www.soundsnap.com/crowd_in_the_street_calle_ferran_barrio_g_tico_barcelona_by_augusto_casanovas_1).

**[Listen on Soundcloud](https://soundcloud.com/user-13482583/give-me-a-beat-podfic)!**

 

_Takes place during Chapter 6_

**[[Audio Transcript of Dave and Xiphus having their slam battle]]**

[ambient crowd]

Friend: First round. You get a sixteen followed by a rebuttal round. No physical contact. Xiphus slams first.

Xiphus: So I shall. Are you ready to be grub sauce, human?

Dave: Hit me with your best shot, fishface

[Crowd falls silent]

Xiphus:

_So you think that you can slam, swim with the big fish?_

_Time to get schoolfed ‘cause boy you better wish_

_You better hope you better pray to whatever human god_

_That Xiphus Salera takes pity on your odd_

_Squishy pink mammal face and your stupid dark shades_

_Why you hidin’ from the sun instead of throwing it parades?_

_You think that you can jam with a brother from alternia_

_My rhymes are so freshly caught that fish got a hernia_

_I been throwin’ down since I first pupated_

_If you don’t back off then you’ll get educated_

_On what the highblooded prince of the seas gotta say to ya_

_I’m the genus superior, my whole being towers over ya_

_So don’t mess with the sharks and the motherglubbin’ royalty_

_Don’t question my rhymes and don’t question my loyalty_

_Go play in the dirt with your shitblooded friends_

_You can’t touch this, and that’s where my jam ends._

[Crowd makes noise, cheers and boos, scattered applause]

Xiphus: You can still forfeit, human [sneering]

Dave: Nah. Give me the mic.

[crowd whispers and buzzes]

Dave: Yo, Tavros. Give me a beat.

Tavros: [starts to beatbox]

Dave:

_Might not be from alternia but yo I ain’t lyin’_

_When I tell you that the rhymes I spit are straight up terrifyin’_

_You’ll be cryin’ while you’re tryin to run from what I’m buyin’_

_When you’re sellin’ pure shit instead of blood while testifyin’_

_You got some kind of superior existence subsistence_

_Cause your grape candy blood means you think that there’s some difference_

_‘Tween you and my brothers all across the hemospectrum_

_I rapped with bigger fish than you and guess what son I rekt ‘em_

_Your kingdom don’t mean jack when you’re down in my town_

_So look around hear the sound that’s been vibin’ on the ground_

_Yo shit has hit the fan you bit off more than you could chew_

_When you got up in my brother’s face like he’s worth less than you_

_I’d take twelve Gamzee Makaras over one Xiphus Salera_

_So swim upstream and lay your eggs and cry and die in terror_

_‘Cause you don’t rule jack shit when you’re empire’s a disaster_

_Bow down to your king, I’m the real puppet master._

[Crowd erupts, cheering and shouting throughout]

 

Crowdmember: Oh snap!

Karkat: [soft] holy shit

Friend: Shut the fuck up everyone! Rebuttal round! Slam with the most cheers wins the battle, Xiphus has the floor!

Dave: Hit me whalebait. I’m open.

[Continued ambient crowd sounds]

Highblood 1: yo, kick his glubbing ass!

Highblood 2: don’t listen to that, don't take shit that from him!

[Crowd dies down, Friend drops a beat]

Xiphus: 

_Your thin white skin hides the sad blood of mutants_

_Go bleed out and save this space for real students_

_Of poetic mastery and ancient tradition_

_My bloodline’s the colour that pays your tuition_

_A grub like you’s got some steel reserve nerve_

_Getting in my face like my time’s something you deserve_

_I’ve culled stronger chum than you and lived to tell the tale_

_So forgive me if I think your words are sorta stale_

_Take your clown friend and short shell and submit to my rhymes_

_‘Cause I’ve laid the slam down hundreds of times_

_This empire’s not dead it’s just lying in wait_

_And when we come for you you know we’ll devastate_

_Respect the hemospectrum, it exists for a reason_

_And wasting my time with you’s almost high treason_

_We dwell in the seas and we dominate the galaxy_

_So back off and admit that you just shouldn’t mess with me._

[some subdued clapping]

Tavros: [begins to beatbox a more complex beat]

[Crowd buzzes with excitement]

Terezi: Kick his ass, Strider!

Dave:

_I may bleed red but I’m well read, yeah I know your race’s history_

_You cull and kill and paint the walls with blood, it ain’t no mystery_

_But when your ancestors bled and fled the crime scene_

_They left behind the bloodshed, they wiped the slate clean_

_Your ancestors all floated through space for millennia_

_You pupated here on earth boy, you ain’t even from Alternia_

_You talk big about sweeps and cullin’ and blood colour_

_Bitch I cook fish like you with sea salt and lemon butter_

_Grind your ass into a paste and scrape your gills off the pavement_

_Do a kickflip with your thinkpan so you know just what I meant_

_This planet’s your rest stop so stop with your complex_

_You’re here as my guest so be payin’ some respects_

_The hemospectrum’s dead, someone get a spade and bury it_

_Cry while my verbal violence rains down cause you can’t handle it_

_That’s where I’m gonna leave you Xiphus, and fuck it_

_Go cry to your empress and stick your bulge in a bucket._

[loud cheering]

Crowdmember: OH SNAP!

Crowdmember: oh no he didn’t!

 

Crowdmember: DAMN!

[more crowd noises]

John: … I was wrong. He really is that cool.


End file.
